Our attachment style plays a significant role in shaping how we connect with others in relationships. Originating from early childhood experiences, these patterns influence how we seek closeness, handle conflict, and express intimacy. Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful tool for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and independence.
They trust their partners, communicate openly, and can navigate conflicts with a sense of security.
In relationships, they tend to be supportive, reliable, and emotionally available.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and crave reassurance.
They may become overly focused on their partner’s feelings and responses, seeking constant validation.
In relationships, they can experience emotional highs and lows, feeling deeply connected but also anxious about their partner’s level of commitment.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and often struggle with emotional closeness.
They may withdraw when a partner seeks connection or become uncomfortable with expressions of vulnerability.
In relationships, they can seem distant, self-sufficient, and hesitant to rely on others.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
This attachment style is marked by conflicting desires for closeness and fear of intimacy.
Individuals may experience emotional turbulence, desiring connection but also fearing being hurt or rejected.
In relationships, they may struggle with trust, fluctuating between seeking comfort and pushing others away.
How Attachment Styles Influence Relationships
Secure + Secure: A stable and healthy dynamic where both partners feel safe, communicate well, and support each other.
Secure + Anxious: The secure partner may provide reassurance, but the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment can create tension.
Secure + Avoidant: The secure partner can help the avoidant partner open up, but if the avoidant partner resists, the secure partner may feel disconnected
Anxious + Anxious: This pairing may involve intense emotional highs and lows, with both partners seeking reassurance but struggling with insecurity.
Anxious + Avoidant: A common but challenging dynamic where one partner craves closeness while the other withdraws, creating a cycle of pursuit and distancing.
Avoidant + Avoidant: A relationship that may lack emotional depth, as both partners prioritize independence over intimacy.
Disorganized + Any Style: This attachment style may lead to unpredictability, with fluctuating emotional needs and challenges in maintaining stability.
Conflict Scenarios and Resolution Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Conflict Scenario: Anxious + Avoidant
Anxious Partner: "You never make time for me! I feel like I don’t matter to you."
Avoidant Partner: "I can’t deal with this right now! You’re always so needy."
Escalation: The anxious partner becomes more distressed, and the avoidant partner shuts down, creating a cycle of emotional distance.
NVC Approach:
Anxious Partner: "I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together because quality time is important to me. Could we plan something together soon?"
Avoidant Partner: "I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have space to recharge, but I do care about our relationship. Maybe we can set a time to connect that works for both of us."
Conflict Scenario: Disorganized + Secure
Disorganized Partner: "I love you, but I don’t trust you. What if you leave me?"
Secure Partner: "Why are you always doubting me? This is exhausting!"
Escalation: The disorganized partner becomes emotionally reactive, while the secure partner feels drained and frustrated.
NVC Approach:
Disorganized Partner: "I feel scared when I think about losing you because past experiences have made it hard for me to trust. Could you reassure me in a way that helps me feel safe?"
Secure Partner: "I care about you and want to support you. Maybe we can find a way to build trust together, step by step."
Conflict Scenario: Anxious + Anxious
Partner A: "You never text me first. Do you even care about me?"
Partner B: "I was just thinking the same thing about you! I was waiting for you to text me first."
Escalation: Both partners spiral into insecurity, reinforcing their mutual fears of abandonment.
NVC Approach:
Partner A: "I feel insecure when I don’t hear from you because consistent communication makes me feel loved. Can we agree on how often we check in with each other?"
Partner B: "I feel the same way! Let’s talk about what would make us both feel more connected without pressure."
It's important to remember that while it is not our partner’s responsibility to appease our insecurities, a healthy relationship requires both partners to show compassion, love, kindness, and understanding. If we choose to be in a relationship, we take on the responsibility of co-creating a dynamic where both people’s needs are valued and met. This ensures that neither partner falls into the role of rescuer or caretaker, allowing for a balanced, secure connection.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! While attachment styles develop in early life, they are not fixed. Through self-awareness, therapy, and secure relationships, individuals can move toward a more secure attachment style. Practices like mindfulness, open communication, and self-compassion can help build healthier relationship patterns.
Final Thoughts
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward improving your relationships. Whether you identify with secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment, self-reflection and emotional work can help you foster stronger, more fulfilling connections.
Would you like to explore your attachment style further? Working with a therapist can provide deeper insights and personalised strategies for creating healthier relationships.
(This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.)
Wishing you Wellness,
Mel
Melissa Moss is a Registered Psychologist, Holistic Counsellor & Certified Clinical Trauma Practitioner in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and founder and principle psychologist of The Bodhi Tree Psychology- A Holistic Practice.
© 2025 The Bodhi Tree Psychology. All rights reserved. This work is a free resource created by The Bodhi Tree Psychology for personal use. Unauthorised reproduction, distribution, or commercial use of any part of this material without prior written permission is prohibited.
For inquiries or permissions, please contact: The Bodhi Tree Psychology
Website: www.thebodhitreepsychology.com.au
