Reclaiming Judgement: The Difference Between Being Judgmental and Using Judgement Wisely

In the world of therapy, and in modern society at large, "being non-judgmental" is often presented as a moral ideal. Therapists are trained to cultivate this quality, and clients are encouraged to emulate it in relationships, parenting, work, and even self-talk.

But what if this common interpretation of “non-judgment” is actually contributing to a kind of self-doubt, confusion, and emotional bypassing? What if, in our pursuit of being “good people,” we are undermining one of our most ancient, vital tools for survival and well-being: the capacity for sound judgement?

Judgement Isn’t the Enemy- It’s an Innate Human Tool

Judgement, in its purest form, is a natural and necessary process of discernment. It’s how we decide what’s safe or unsafe, who feels trustworthy, what aligns with our values, and what doesn’t.

From an evolutionary perspective, judgement was never about moral superiority—it was about survival. Our nervous systems are wired to read micro-expressions, tones of voice, postures, and gut signals to assess the intentions of others. These assessments aren’t always conscious, but they are powerful, and often accurate.

The act of judging is how we choose who to allow into our inner circles, how we determine what kind of environment is emotionally or physically safe, and even how we select a healthy partner to build a life with. It’s primal, embodied wisdom-rooted in interoception, emotional memory, and subtle attunement.

So why have we become so afraid of it?

The Cultural Confusion Around Judgement

In many religious and spiritual traditions, judgement is associated with sin, shame, and arrogance. “Judge not, lest ye be judged” has echoed for generations, becoming an internalised script for many. And in modern self-help culture, being “non-judgmental” is often equated with being evolved, kind, and loving.

But here’s the shadow side: when we conflate discernment with condemnation, we begin to mute our instincts. We question our perceptions. We override the body’s early signals that someone might not be safe. We gaslight ourselves in the name of being “open-minded.”

In therapy rooms, this narrative can lead clients to believe that feeling wary of someone means they are being a bad or judgmental person. That they must always offer unconditional positive regard, even to those who repeatedly cause harm.

This is not emotional maturity. It’s emotional suppression.

Being Judgmental vs. Using Judgement Wisely

Let’s distinguish the two:

• Being judgmental means jumping to conclusions, condemning others without understanding, or projecting unresolved emotions onto them. It often stems from fear, shame, or rigid beliefs.

• Using judgement wisely means making grounded, thoughtful assessments. It means listening to your body, your values, your observations—and integrating them into how you relate, respond, and protect yourself.

  
  

Judgement, when integrated with compassion and self-awareness, becomes discernment. It helps us navigate complexity without collapsing into either naivety or cynicism.

A Humanistic and Holistic View

Humanistic psychology, which honours the wholeness of human experience, affirms our right to make meaning of the world around us. Part of that meaning-making is naming what feels aligned, and what doesn’t. Carl Rogers’ concept of “unconditional positive regard” was never meant to imply that we suspend all discernment-but rather, that we see the person’s worth, even while holding clear boundaries.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, we might say that our capacity to judge is simply a “protector part”-an inner voice that’s trying to keep us safe. When that part becomes extreme or rigid, it needs our curiosity-not rejection. And when it’s grounded and integrated, it becomes a wise ally.

In polyvagal theory, our nervous systems constantly scan for cues of safety or danger-this is called “neuroception.” It’s not a moral process-it’s biological. Judgement, in this context, is not a flaw; it’s a function of how our bodies stay safe in social environments.

Reclaiming Your Right to Discern

If you’ve been taught that feeling critical or cautious makes you a “bad person,” it might be time to reframe that narrative.

It’s not judgment that hurts—it’s when judgement becomes fused with shame or superiority. When separated from those elements, judgement is simply clarity.

It is natural and healthy to:

• Notice who feels safe and who doesn’t.

• Name what behaviours don’t align with your values.

• Say no without apology.

• Choose your relationships and surroundings with care.

• Acknowledge your impressions without labeling people as “bad.”

In Closing

Let’s stop equating morality with emotional neutrality. Being non-judgmental doesn’t mean being boundaryless. It means being compassionate without abandoning your own discernment.

Judgement, like fire, can either destroy or illuminate- depending on how it’s held. In wise hands, it becomes a light that helps us walk more confidently in the world.

Wishing you Wellness,

Mel

Melissa Moss is a Registered Psychologist, Holistic Counsellor & Certified Clinical Trauma Practitioner in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and founder and principle psychologist of The Bodhi Tree Psychology- A Holistic Practice.

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