Motherhood comes with an intricate web of emotions, and among them, guilt often takes center stage. It creeps in during moments of exhaustion, decision-making, and reflection, whispering doubts about whether we are doing enough, being enough, or making the right choices for our children. In a culture that encourages self-soothing and dismissing discomfort, many mothers try to push guilt away, treating it as an enemy to be conquered. But what if guilt is not something to suppress, but rather an internal compass guiding us toward alignment with our values and our truth?
The most regret comes from the decisions we make that are uninformed. This piece aims to provide the information necessary to make an informed decision. Despite how confronting the truth can be, being uncomfortable now is far better than living with regret and having our children suffer both in the short term and long term.
Guilt as a Signal, Not a Sentence
Rather than allowing guilt to spiral into shame or avoidance, we can use it as a powerful tool for self-reflection. When feelings of guilt arise, instead of numbing or dismissing them, we can pause and ask: Is this guilt pointing me toward an action or decision that is out of sync with my deepest values and beliefs? If the answer is yes, then guilt is not an enemy—it is a signpost inviting us to realign.
Mindfulness offers a way to meet guilt with curiosity and compassion rather than self-judgment. Instead of shaming ourselves or justifying away discomfort, we can use it as a moment of gratitude—an acknowledgment that our emotional body and intuition are working to guide us. This is an opportunity to listen deeply and, if necessary, make changes that honor our instincts and our children’s emotional needs.
The Dysfunctional Side of Guilt
Guilt only becomes dysfunctional when we either indulge in self-shaming or avoid it entirely. When we wallow in guilt without reflection, it turns into self-punishment, leading to feelings of helplessness and unworthiness. On the other hand, when we rationalize our way out of it or avoid it altogether, we ignore the wisdom it offers. Instead, we can learn to sit with guilt, listen to its message, and take empowered action from a place of clarity and love.
The Systemic Forces That Foster Guilt
Much of the guilt mothers experience is not just personal—it is systemic. We live in a society that prioritizes economic growth over emotional well-being, encouraging mothers to push aside their intuitive knowing for the sake of productivity. Long daycare hours and the push for early independence in children all serve the economy but often come at the expense of children’s emotional security.
Psychoanalyst and parenting expert Erica Komisar has been vocal about the importance of a mother’s presence in the early years of a child’s life. Her research emphasizes the critical role that mothers play in their children’s emotional and neurological development, particularly in the first three years. Komisar argues that societal pressures to return to work too soon force mothers into difficult choices that often conflict with their instincts. She highlights the biological and psychological need for maternal attunement, stressing that young children thrive when they have a secure and consistent emotional bond with their primary caregiver.
The Neuroscience of Daycare and Its Impact on Brain Development
Komisar draws upon neuroscience to explain the negative impact that long hours in daycare can have on a child’s developing brain. Research shows that infants and toddlers who spend extended periods in daycare—especially before the age of three—experience elevated cortisol levels, a stress hormone associated with anxiety and emotional dysregulation. When a baby experiences prolonged stress without the presence of a primary attachment figure, it can lead to alterations in brain architecture, particularly in areas responsible for emotional regulation and social bonding.
The first three years of life are crucial for right-brain development, which governs emotional intelligence, empathy, and stress regulation. When a baby is consistently separated from their primary caregiver, the brain’s stress response system can become overactive, increasing the risk of future anxiety disorders, depression, and difficulties in forming secure relationships. Komisar emphasizes that frequent separations from a mother during this period can impair the development of the oxytocin system—a neurochemical crucial for attachment and trust.
Furthermore, studies indicate that daycare environments, particularly those with high child-to-caregiver ratios, do not provide the level of individualized attention that infants need for optimal development. Babies and toddlers rely on co-regulation from a primary caregiver to learn how to manage their emotions. Without this attuned, consistent presence, they may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as withdrawal, excessive clinginess, or heightened aggression.
Komisar warns that these early stress responses can become deeply wired into a child’s nervous system, leading to difficulties with emotional resilience later in life. She advocates for policies and cultural shifts that allow mothers to spend more time with their young children without financial penalty, emphasizing that the foundation of a child’s emotional well-being is built in the earliest years.
Supporting Babies Through Daycare Transitions
For families who choose or need to use daycare, it is essential to approach this transition with both the parent’s and child’s needs in mind. Rather than rigidly enforcing previous routines, parents can focus on attuning to their child’s evolving rhythm and integrating it into the family’s daily flow. Babies thrive on connection and co-regulation, so nurturing their nervous system through gentle transitions can make a significant difference.
Some ways to support a baby’s adjustment include:
Gradual transitions: Starting with shorter hours in daycare and slowly increasing time in care allows babies to build familiarity and security with their new environment.
Comfort items: Sending a familiar blanket, toy, or even a piece of clothing that smells like a parent can provide reassurance in daycare.
Responsive caregiving: Choosing daycare settings that prioritize emotional attunement, where caregivers respond sensitively to each child’s needs, supports a secure attachment.
Flexible routines: Rather than enforcing strict schedules, aligning with a child’s natural rhythms and needs can make transitions smoother and less distressing.
Emotional connection before and after daycare: Prioritizing quality time with nurturing activities such as babywearing, skin-to-skin contact, or quiet play can help regulate a baby’s nervous system and maintain their sense of security.
One of the most crucial aspects of daycare transitions is ensuring that babies are not expected to self-soothe in distressing situations. Babies do not develop the ability to self-regulate on their own; they rely on caregivers to co-regulate with them through consistent, nurturing responses. When daycare settings expect infants to manage their emotions without the consistent presence of a trusted adult, it can lead to heightened stress and difficulty forming secure attachments.
Honoring Motherhood and Creating Change
If we begin to trust mother guilt as a teacher rather than a tormentor, we can shift our perspective. Instead of using guilt to shame ourselves, we can let it illuminate what truly matters. Instead of allowing society to dictate what is “normal” for our children, we can ask:
What do my heart, my values, and my child’s needs tell me?
Motherhood does not need to be a battle against guilt, nor a struggle to fit into a system that was not designed with the emotional needs of children in mind. Instead, we can honor our intuition, advocate for systemic changes that support the emotional needs of mothers and children, and create a world where the maternal instinct is valued rather than dismissed.
Trust your guilt. It is not a flaw. It is wisdom calling you home.
Wishing you Wellness,
Mel
Melissa Moss is a Registered Psychologist, Holistic Counsellor & Certified Clinical Trauma Practitioner in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and founder and principle psychologist of The Bodhi Tree Psychology- A Holistic Practice.
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