From our earliest years, we are shaped by the world around us. Society, families, and institutions all impose rules, values, and expectations designed to maintain order and ensure belonging. While these structures serve a purpose, they also create a tension between who we truly are and who we feel we need to be in order to be accepted. Over time, this conditioning can separate us from our authentic self, leading to shame, self-doubt, and even depression.
Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, described self-actualisation as the process of becoming one’s true self—free from distortions imposed by external influences. However, as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs illustrates, self-actualisation is only possible once our more basic needs, such as safety, belonging, and esteem, are met. This presents a dilemma: as children, our most fundamental need is attachment, and we will sacrifice authenticity to secure it.
How Conditioning Separates Us from Ourselves
From infancy, we learn that love, approval, and belonging often come with conditions. Parents may withhold affection if we express emotions they find inconvenient. Schools may reward conformity over individuality. Cultural and societal norms dictate what is acceptable behaviour, often at the cost of personal truth. In this way, our conditioned self is formed—a version of ourselves adapted to meet the expectations of others.
To gain acceptance, we suppress the parts of ourselves that don’t align with these expectations. If a child’s natural tendency is to be expressive and emotional but they are repeatedly told to “toughen up” or “stop being so sensitive,” they learn that their authentic emotions are unacceptable. Over time, this suppression breeds shame—shame that tells us our true self is flawed, unworthy, or even dangerous.
Internal vs. External Locus of Evaluation
Carl Rogers highlighted the concept of an internal versus external locus of evaluation as a crucial factor in self-actualisation. When we operate from an external locus of evaluation, we measure our worth based on others’ opinions, societal norms, or material success. This reliance on external validation strengthens the conditioned self while further distancing us from our authentic nature.
Conversely, an internal locus of evaluation means trusting our own feelings, values, and experiences as the primary guide for self-worth and decision-making. Developing an internal locus of evaluation helps us reconnect with our authentic self by prioritising intrinsic motivation over external validation.
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Rewards
Closely related to the locus of evaluation is the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic rewards. When we are conditioned to seek extrinsic rewards—such as praise, money, or status—we prioritise external approval over genuine fulfilment. Society often reinforces this by promoting achievement, appearance, and wealth as markers of success.
However, intrinsic rewards—such as personal growth, creativity, and meaningful relationships—are what truly nourish the authentic self. Studies have shown that people who are intrinsically motivated tend to experience greater life satisfaction, resilience, and mental well-being.
The Impact of Shame and Self-Doubt
When we internalise the belief that our true self is unworthy, we begin to distrust ourselves. Instead of looking inward for guidance, we rely on external validation. This loss of self-trust leads to a life of suppression, where decisions are made based on fear—fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing belonging.
As Rogers emphasised, psychological distress arises when there is a gap between the conditioned self (who we think we should be) and the authentic self (who we truly are). The wider this gap, the more internal conflict we experience, often manifesting as anxiety, depression, and a sense of emptiness.
Reclaiming the Authentic Self
Healing requires a conscious effort to reconnect with the authentic self, a process that involves self-awareness, self-compassion, and, often, deep inner work. Here are some steps to begin:
Recognise Conditioning: Begin to notice the ways in which societal and familial expectations have shaped your beliefs, behaviours, and self-perception. Ask yourself: Whose approval am I seeking? What parts of myself do I suppress to fit in?
Challenge Shame: Shame thrives in secrecy. Bringing awareness to your conditioned shame responses can help weaken it's power. Instead of accepting shame as truth, question it. Is your authentic self truly unworthy, or have you just been taught to believe so?
Develop an Internal Locus of Evaluation: Shift from relying on external validation to trusting your own intuition and experiences. Reflect on what truly matters to you beyond societal expectations.
Prioritise Intrinsic Rewards: Engage in activities that bring you joy, fulfilment, and meaning, rather than chasing external validation.
Practice Self-Compassion: Rogers believed that unconditional positive regard—the ability to accept and value oneself without conditions—is key to self-actualisation. Practicing self-compassion allows you to hold space for your authentic self without judgment.
Align with Your Values: Begin to make choices based on what genuinely resonates with you, rather than what is expected of you. This alignment fosters trust in yourself and reinforces your authentic identity.
Find Support: Healing is not meant to be a solitary journey. Seeking therapy, mindfulness practices, or communities that encourage authenticity can provide a safe space to explore and embrace your true self.
Conclusion
The journey from the conditioned self to the authentic self is not always easy, but it is essential for deep fulfilment. By understanding how societal and familial conditioning shape our identity, we can begin the process of undoing shame and rebuilding self-trust. As Rogers and Maslow both emphasised, true psychological well-being comes NOT from external validation but from a deep, inner alignment with who we truly are. It is through this process that we can move toward self-actualisation, living a life rooted in authenticity, self-trust, and genuine fulfilment.
Wishing you Wellness,
Mel
Melissa Moss is a Registered Psychologist, Holistic Counsellor & Certified Clinical Trauma Practitioner in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and founder and principle psychologist of The Bodhi Tree Psychology- A Holistic Practice.
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