'A People Pleaser' Is Not an Identity, It's a Fawn Response

As a psychologist, I often hear clients describe themselves as "people pleasers." It’s a phrase that usually rolls off their tongue with a mix of resignation and self-judgment. Beneath this self-assigned label often lies an unconscious burden: the deep, hidden costs of sacrificing the self. This pattern of behavior, commonly referred to as fawning, is not an identity but a trauma response—a survival mechanism developed amid experiences of insecurity or relational chaos.

What Is the Fawn Response?

Fawning is a lesser-known stress response, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. It’s the nervous system’s way of ensuring safety by appeasing others, avoiding conflict, and minimising one’s presence. For people who fawn, this behaviour often becomes second nature, learned through environments where asserting themselves was met with punishment, neglect, or rejection.

How Parenting Styles Shape the Fawn Response

The tendency to fawn often takes root in childhood, shaped by the relational dynamics between a child and their caregivers. Parenting styles play a significant role in this development. While no parent is perfect, consistent patterns of interaction can either reinforce or protect against fawning as a default response.

Authoritarian Parenting (Extreme Form)

In households where rules are strict and obedience is demanded, a child may learn that love and acceptance are conditional on their ability to comply. If expressing disagreement or asserting personal needs results in punishment—whether through harsh discipline, withdrawal of affection, or emotional invalidation—the child adapts by becoming hyper-attuned to the expectations of others. They learn to preemptively smooth over conflict by prioritising others' desires, eventually losing touch with their own.

Example: A child who is frequently reprimanded for speaking up learns that their thoughts and feelings are a liability. As an adult, they struggle to say no, even when it costs them their well-being.

Emotionally Neglectful Parenting (Subtle Form)

Some children develop fawning tendencies not from overt punishment but from emotional neglect. If a child’s expressions of need or distress are met with indifference or discomfort, they may internalise the belief that their emotions are a burden. Over time, they become hyper-focused on others' emotions instead, developing a people-pleasing demeanor as a way to maintain connection.

Example: A child who consistently receives responses like "You’re too sensitive" or "Stop making a big deal out of everything" learns to suppress their emotions. As an adult, they default to prioritising others' comfort over their own feelings.

Enmeshed Parenting (Another Extreme Form)

In some families, a child may be expected to serve as the emotional caretaker for a parent. This often occurs in enmeshed family dynamics, where a parent relies on the child for emotional support rather than the other way around. The child may learn that their role is to soothe, accommodate, or anticipate the parent’s needs at all costs, reinforcing a deep-seated pattern of self-sacrifice.

Example: A child with a parent who confides in them about adult problems (e.g., finances, marital struggles) grows up feeling responsible for the emotions of others. As an adult, they struggle with chronic guilt when setting boundaries.

The Body Bears the Burden

The physical manifestations of fawning are often striking. The body tends to reflect a deep-seated shame, adopting a posture that seeks invisibility: shoulders hunched, head lowered, and movements careful not to take up too much space. This posture serves a primal purpose: to avoid appearing threatening and to position oneself as servile and agreeable.

On the surface, people who fawn may appear cheerful or easygoing, but their affect is frequently incongruent with their inner experience. They may smile when they are sad, laugh when they are hurt, and suppress their true feelings to meet the perceived needs of others. This incongruence often comes at a cost to their sense of self, leaving them disconnected from their emotions and needs, and unable to fulfil the vital needs to be seen, heard and celebrated.

The Diminished Self

For many of my clients who identify as "people pleasers," their sense of self is significantly oppressed. While the desire to help and love others is natural and healthy, fawning arises from fear rather than genuine connection or joy. This fear-based compliance suppresses authentic self-expression, leading to an inner conflict that often goes unnoticed.

Over time, the will to meet their own needs begins to stir, often accompanied by resentment. This resentment is not a sign of selfishness or failure but a vital signal that something is wrong. It points to a disconnect between their actions and their true desires, urging them to reevaluate their patterns of behaviour.

Resentment as a Roadmap

For many, resentment is a source of shame, but it shouldn’t be. I encourage my clients to view resentment with gratitude because it’s a crucial indicator that boundaries are being crossed—not by others, but by the individual themselves in their effort to appease. Recognizing resentment as a guide allows them to move away from self-judgment and toward self-awareness and healing.

The Impact on the Nervous System and Identity

Fawning keeps the nervous system in a perpetual state of insecurity. The need to please, to avoid conflict, and to keep others happy creates a constant hum of stress. This sustained state of vigilance makes it difficult to develop a strong sense of self. Instead, the individual’s identity becomes enmeshed in the needs and expectations of others, leaving little room for self-exploration or self-assertion.

When someone operates from a place of fawning, their choices are dictated by fear rather than agency. This undermines their ability to connect authentically with others and themselves. The process of untangling these patterns requires not only understanding the origins of the trauma but also cultivating a sense of safety within the self.

Learning the Difference Between Pleasing and Fawning

The goal is not to eliminate the desire to please—a healthy and natural aspect of being human—but to distinguish between pleasing out of love and joy versus fawning out of fear. This distinction empowers individuals to make choices that align with their values and desires rather than defaulting to survival mechanisms.

Through therapy, clients can learn to:

• Recognize and name their fawning behaviors.

• Reconnect with their emotions and identify their own needs.

• Develop boundaries that honor their autonomy.

• Build a strong sense of self that exists independently of others’ approval.

Healing the Fawn Response

Healing from a fawn response involves creating a sense of internal safety. This means addressing the underlying trauma, calming the nervous system, and building self-worth. Techniques like mindfulness, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and self-compassion practices can help individuals reconnect with their true selves.

The journey is not about rejecting the desire to care for others but about finding balance—allowing space for both giving and receiving, for connection and individuality. When clients embrace their authenticity, they can step out of the shadow of the "people pleaser" label and into a life where their actions reflect their true desires, not their fears.

If you resonate with these patterns or want to learn more about how trauma responses impact your relationships and sense of self, reach out. Healing is not only possible—it’s transformative.

Wishing you Wellness,

Mel

Melissa Moss is a Registered Psychologist, Holistic Counsellor & Certified Clinical Trauma Practitioner in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and founder and principle psychologist of The Bodhi Tree Psychology- A Holistic Practice.

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